Self-disappointment: a burden lost in translation
Note: credits for the images are given at the end of the article.
Communication is near-impossible
There is a definite unbridgeable space between what you mean and how you express it and a similar space is unavoidable on the receiving end of any message. That is true of any medium and any combination of interlocutors.
But we manage somehow, all soldiering through misunderstandings, some even operating under the illusion that perfect communication is possible.
One thing I’ve come to believe about the subject is that while we are all ultimately incapable of merging our minds with others and thus deprived of true understanding, we are far from equal in our struggle with communication.
Obviously, the less skill you have at the various communication forms our species invented, the greater the disadvantage you’re at to communicate anything. I do not want to understate how disabling it must be to struggle with languages, but I do not feel properly equipped to discuss that disadvantage.
What I want to talk about here is self-disappointment. A rather small issue, in the great scheme of things, but one that is extremely hard to communicate, no matter how skilled one is at communication in general.
Unreasonable expectations
How does one not keep feeling disappointed in themselves? Just set your expectations lower! It’s easy and obvious enough, right?
Right. And like most super easy and obvious solutions, it absolutely does not work (if they did, the related problems would not exist in the first place).
The problem is not rational. It is not about judging a situation calmly and deciding that the results were worse than could have reasonably been expected.
The problem is about a feeling. The feeling of being a failure. Of being meaner, more selfish, more jealous, slower, weaker, dumber, less appealing than… than what exactly? Than what we ought to have been?
I think everyone faces this problem in their lives. I have extreme difficulty imagining someone who from birth to death never gets a pang of disappointment because they did not perform as greatly as they had pictured it in their mind.
Many people have to struggle with disappointment that is more inflicted by their environment than by themselves. The pressure put on you by your parents, relatives, friends and culture can be overwhelming. Failing to meet the expectations of others is a terrible thing that is not easily overcome.
But can you imagine how it feels to go through life facing self-disappointment every day in almost every situation? Regardless of how unrealistic the underlying expectations or how supportive the people around are?
Welcome to my life
I am almost always disappointed in myself. And I have so far been rather ineffective in my attempts at setting my expectations lower. I do not know where the ideal comes from, really.
Sometimes I’ll perform poorly and feel satisfied. Most often I’ll feel disappointed, regardless of how well (even in some cases extraordinarily well) I did and regardless of how impressed people are around me. I do not know where this inner image of myself comes from. I do not know how it was built. I feel powerless to modify it or get truly close to it.
Communicating this feeling to others has proven impossible so far.
My relatives and friends seem to think that I am okay the way I am (I suppose the latter would not be my friends if they felt differently). Whenever I try to talk to them about my self-disappointment, which is a burden I’ve been bearing for so many years I don’t even remember when it started, they simply don’t get it.
Most of their reactions fall roughly into one of the three following categories:
- complete dismissal
“Nonsense! You were awesome. You should be proud!”
They simply fail to see anything to be disappointed with and thus do not want to entertain the ridiculous thought that I might feel that way. - positive outrage
“How can you say that?! It’s so untrue! You’re this and that and so much better off than others! How dare you?!”
I suppose that they’re trying to compliment or guilt-trip me into feeling better about myself… more good intentions to pave Hell with, I guess. - reasonable bargaining
“Look, you could not have expected to do better than you did. You’re not special. Your results are not that bad if you take a look at the bigger picture.”
Don’t you love being told things you already know? Because if there is one thing that my struggle with constant self-disappointment has taught me, it is that I am not special and that I should not expect much of myself. If reasoning about it was doing me any good, I’d have noticed.
My self-disappointment is almost always increased when I try to communicate it with people. Rather than feeling disappointed by their lack of understanding (which would be disappointment still, but less self-centered and self-destructive), I most often feel disappointed at myself for having been unable to express myself and for wasting their time.
How I feel writing this article
As I am writing this, putting into words my struggle with self-disappointment for the very first time, I feel terrible. I cannot help thinking how whiny it will sound to anyone reading it. I am, of course, disappointed by my inability to talk about the issue without sounding like I’m crying for attention and pity.
Why write about this subject when I know how likely it is to be misinterpreted by my acquaintances and by strangers alike?
Because a big part of me feels that I need to face that disappointment. A bigger part than the one who feels scared and ashamed and self-disgusted.
And because a small part of me dares to hope against all likelihood that someone will read this article and find some clues to better understand people around them — or maybe themselves — who struggle with the same problem on a daily basis.
Thank you for reading so far, whoever you are.
Image credits
- Problematic communication, from one mind to another by Jurgen Appelo
- Expectations from the webcomic Mimi and Eunice, copyleft Nina Paley
- Head image of the blog post 21 Proven Ways To Overcome Impostor Syndrome by Kyle Eschenroeder
- Depression by Nils Werner
